why I write

27 Mar, 2026

Sometimes what I write comes directly from the heart. Sometimes I just perform writing, I stammer things out and the most unbalanced version of me shows up, not as someone who writes for the joy of it, but as someone who must write for things to make sense again. Sometimes I write because it’s my medicine. It feels like breathing again, it feels like coming out of the fog. Sometimes I write because I’m in pain, because I can’t scream and it feels like no one hears, it feels lonely. It’s hard when you feel unheard. So writing feels better than looking at the screaming record in the head...it is so loud, it takes the hand and starts running. I get carried away with it. So I pull out a pen, I follow it but it's not treating me like a puppet anymore, shoving and slamming me up and down...it’s calmer now, it knows I’m listening and is willing to make peace.

Sometimes I write with desperation, almost looking for something to come up, to comfort me, something that looks like clarity, answers, tranquility. I have experienced truth, presence and that indescribable frequency arising in my mind as Knowing, not reasoning, just a Deep, Quiet, Simple Knowing. You can call it “clicking”, just when things finally align and you understand them, the dots connect. Or you could say, it’s the sudden realization, the illumination of that which was unknown unconscious and dark before. Sometimes writing is like running. Running till you find something you can grasp into, like salvation. Salvation from what? Writing is sobering, somehow among the wireless thoughts that are like prickly chains, you find gems too that were living within you, accompanying the piled up garbage. It’s sobering to give shape to something that was haunting you. Even if it was abstract, it was heavier than anything material could be, because it wasn't weighing only on your physical body but all of yourself, another layer adding up to that which was there before.

When I re-read some of my blog posts, I understand what I’m trying to say with each post.

I guess some of my blog posts were about finding freedom, some are about feeling seen, useful or productive, some were about being honest, some were the authentic stream of poetry coming from my heart, some of them were things I wanted to tell others but I didn't. Sometimes I write because I hold things back. Things I wanna tell people around me, but you can’t do that, otherwise you break their ego, so writing is the better option. Let it go down the drain, let it be a prayer to the One who listens it all, let it fly away as something you know is gone already.

In the beginning, my bearblog project was the opportunity for me to share insights, it was thought of as a container and sacred space... it was about dipping my hands in the depths of my heart, arising with my soul’s ink and letting it be seen. I promised myself to commit even when it would be difficult and write 4 posts every month. If I couldn't manage to do, I'd catch up next month with a +1 post. This mindset was flawed from the beginning. Making a specific number of posts doesn’t resonate with me anymore, I’d rather write for the very act of it. In fact, I changed the intro to the blog, I made some major changes and added some nuances that were a joy to work through. I think my greatest difficulty used to be about the title...I was looking for something that could describe me, an essence of what all this would be about...but I think now what I’m mostly scared about is to turn it into another mask…because when that layer of my identity and personality will collapse, what will be left in my hands? A memory of it... in the blog as a post. And I wonder, will I find peace within the inner Renewal, the re-found sense of who I am? Enough to let it stay in the past without the need to erase it, as if I have to justify myself for every existing version of me, as if I have to compare myself… I can only pray to find acceptance. Changing is challenging. Inner transformation as well and the worst thing is that it is about action, even when you finally start feeling different within, if you don’t take action, the world around you will push you into, either taking action or shrinking back to your old version.

I wanted to post videos but the idea of people seeing what I wanna say terrifies me... not people who don’t know me but people who know me. This fear is not even rational but I’m afraid that when it hits me, I'll have nothing to hold onto and break apart. I fear humiliation because I got that tons of times growing up. I fear that even if I believe it doesn't bother me, it will still affect me to the point of giving up because I've given up many times. Each time I picked up some hobby, my mother would step in and criticize it, make comments about it, till I would eventually quit. And it’s always people who have nothing and don’t understand it that end up becoming faultfinders. It’s incredible how much we unconsciously allow others to have power over us, how much we want to avoid feeling uncomfortable, how fast we abandon ourselves when the world seems to order us who to be. This happens because we focus outwardly instead of persisting. Self-belief matters. Nobody taught me that, but paradoxically enough those people are teaching me to do that in a sort of reversed way. It'll happen enough times for you to see it’s a cycle, a pattern and that the only way to end the cycle is to end it yourself….not expect that others will stop being who they are or doing what they do -the obstacle- (funny enough we cannot live without contrast- yet when we experience it, we are none the wiser, because its intensity is too real...the law of polarity makes sense intellectually but as you live it, you really gotta brace against it or better yet, flow with it...cause bracing is what we learned in our childhood, flowing is what the wisdom of the heart teaches us). You must transform these patterns within yourself first and then, integrate the lesson through action, not only realization.

The potential outcome to go out there and be yourself is to be praised or judged. You may fear judgment but you may as well get the other. You gotta keep going, regardless of what you get… if you allow external circumstances to determine who you are, then Who Are You? Remember that you can choose, you can change, you can grow. Nothing is the way it looks, so look deeper and find out yourself.

I guess this time I poured out my heart.