Memories Behind The Ice Glass
A thought I had today is that many times, when I remember some traumatic moments, they don’t seem to affect me at first (as they did back then). There’s always a distance from them, a numbing, a sort of protective wall built in the memory to avoid having a meltdown. It’s like looking at this memory through a glass made of ice. You see the event happening (you’ve probably seen it many times before), but you reach a point where it no longer seems to be as traumatic anymore. It happened, and so what? I guess, this is what they mean by the false belief that time heals all things. By now, we all understand that time doesn’t fully heals us, it only gives a momentary balm to cope, otherwise we wouldn’t have such reactions when similar things happen in our lives. We wouldn’t get those triggers, which are signaling us that something within needs our loving attention. We begin to see that when the pattern happens enough times, we finally pause and do a check-in, turn inward and see for ourselves. This ice wall freezes us from fully experiencing the intensity of the event all over again. But if we pause and sit with it, we are choosing to touch that wall and as we touch it, the intensity of the traumatic event comes back full force. It melts the ice wall. It burns everything. Then, there is no more protection, we feel all of it. Today I had this past traumatic event coming up in my mind. I didn’t think it was that bad, until I decided to sit with it and re-visit it, knowing I am safe with myself and that it is safe to feel again, no matter how heartbreaking it can get, how incredibly shattering it can feel, I chose to do it, to give myself this opportunity, not only to heal but to feel and sense “is this truly gone? Or is it just numb?”. And it surprised me that once I did that, I realized “this actually still hurts”, damn! I cried. I allowed myself to feel it all, not even rushing it or trying to find a solution, just gave myself the space to feel. Sometimes it can be hard to do it alone, but I believe it is very good learning to be independent in this aspect and if it is really that bad, we can pray. We are our own Safe Space, we are our own Love that Embraces All, we are the Love that reclaims any forgotten fragment and cherishes it into Wholeness.